blurred lines

the first time i ever came across this picture i had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship.  he was my first love, and we dated for the majority of my college years.  i was immediately drawn to this picture, probably because it depicted something that i didn't have when i was with him -- self sufficiency.




it took me a good two years to reevaluate, rebuild, and to grow from that relationship.  at the end of it i was in a really good place about who i was, what i wanted and happy although i had no idea what'd be in store for me.  faith in good let me do that.

and then came a different kind of love
my next boyfriend made me feel safe, and let me know that he knew i could take care of myself,
but he just wanted to support me
he wanted to love me.

and i let him. and i loved him too.

but things got inbetween us
geography
timing
misunderstandings
pride

where is the line between love, grace,
and feeling like you're compromising too much of yourself, what you want, and what you believe in?

i feel like that's a line that gets blurred a lot.
my inability to tell the difference is my greatest fear.

it's easier to remind yourself to be strong, to have spikes coming out of our sweaters
but the truth is that we're all pretty delicate things.
accepting that is something that i've been learning lately.
people just want to be loved.

something crazy happened today

and i don't want to get too excited,
but sometimes it's important to take pauses

and just enjoy it for what it is.

my mom raised me better than that

a long time ago i went to your house and had a conversation with your mom for the first time.  my korean's not perfect but for someone who wasn't born there it's better than not knowing any.

the tense i used to describe something was grammatically incorrect, but your mom felt the need to correct me mid sentence.
i will never forget the way she said those words, the expression on her face, and how she waited for me to realize the mistake i made.

i went back home that night with a lot on my mind.
your mom made me feel like a piece of shit.

it was hard for me to figure out if i had done something wrong, if what i had said was so offensive,
questioning if i should've said that i was sorry for not knowing better.

but it was your mom that was wrong.
and my mom was pissed.

ever since that day i've always been hesitant to speak in korean to those whom it's their first language.
in fear that i would offend them,
that i would say something wrong
like your mom made me feel that night.

and i was reminded of that night last weekend
out with friends whose first language was korean
i ended up admitting why i was so shy
i'd created language barriers with them that i never had to to begin with.

every experience is about what you take away from it.
and with the encouragement of others, in that moment i decided that i'm not gonna let that get to me anymore.
i'd rather make the mistakes, and have friends help me, embrace me, better me.
i'm just embarrassed that i let that get to me for so long.

i feel sorry for the girl that has to deal with a mother in law like that.
i hope that i never have to.

hello beautiful

i can't wait to meet you.

old hobbies, new directions

went to guitar center today because i've been thinking about getting a keyboard.

lately i feel the need to CREATE something. 

music has always been a part of my life.  i started playing piano when i was 4 up until i left for college.  i left maryland and came to new york and life just got so busy.  finding a room to play was hard enough, but finding a reason to keep playing seemed harder... it just sorta dropped out of my daily routine and never came back.

til this day the songs ingrained in my memory are the classics: chopin, schubert, debussy, and brahams.

although my fingers are not as sharp, the theory behind the music has stayed with me, and i can still pick up a sheet of music and play.

today i picked up a "top hits" sheet music book in a nearby booth and took it to the keys to play adele, bruno mars, john legend (ordinary people is my favorite), and mariah.

i got lost there for a minute.. in a good way

in the best way.

i want to buy a keyboard so that i can play things that i like, but mostly because i want to play something because of how i feel

to improvise

freestyle

it's something that i never "learned" how to do

because i always played by the rules

i stopped playing music but i've never stopped listening.. 

i LOVE music.

it expresses so much more than words ever could

i feel like i need that right now.

so i'm excited to see what comes out of this.

excited to revisit something that was once such a huge part of my life.

this time on different terms.

hello september

i came across this quote recently and it perfectly sums up how i feel about love:

"You don't need another human being to make your life complete, but let's be honest.  Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn't see them as disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in this world."
-Emery Allen

patience, acceptance, compromise.
things that love tests in all of us
this quote speaks to all of them

people ask me if i'm ready to date again
and i tell them that i'm not closed off to love, but i'm not actively looking for it.

i believe in love.  i believe in its magic
in its ability to bring out the best in people

but to be honest love also scares me
and i admit that i'm not one without scars.

i know well that life can get lonely without it, but loneliness is the human condition.
my mom is the one who taught me that.
i'd rather be alone than forced in a place i know i don't want to be

i learned this summer that the best that i can do is to know myself
& to know what i want.

and with those thoughts i said goodbye to summer.

august might be my favorite month,
but fall is my favorite season

there are always things to look forward to.