i'm starting to hate what social media is doing to our culture..

where more likes, followers, and shares now give a sense of validation in who we are and what we stand for

everyone is insecure. that part hasn't changed about us; we are all broken (and it's okay…)
figuring it out will forever be a process under construction. no one's always got it together 100% of the time
but for the majority, social media has definitely become a part of and impacted that process in such a negative way and it's discouraging to see

it's easy to filter, hide, edit, delete things on the surface level
but what's really going on underneath
we are so scared to look at anything beyond surface level
so offended and too sensitive to handle talking about any of it because it's not easy
but still
life doesn't work the way social media does

consumed with distractions and perceptions everywhere that we don't have enough room...enough oxygen to carry us below surface level
who cares if you have a million followers
how many of them are gonna help you stand when you cant

things you said

in italics.

i've had tumblr for over 4 years now.  what first started as a means to upload random photos/visuals online evolved into something more personal; it's become a collection of my memories, of things said to me by others in my life.

from both real (friends, family, lovers, strangers), and not real (tv characters, movie actors, historical figures) characters - these are the people and voices that have filled my space on tumblr; anything that anyone's ever said to me that's stuck for one reason or another is stored there.  i just end up pairing their quotes with visuals from my feed that sparked that very quote/memory of what they said to begin with.

when i go back and visit archives, it's insane how quickly my past memories flash back at me; it's almost like those images that i've paired quotes with became coverpages for those chapters in my life.  the emotions i feel are so real again sometimes looking back. maybe having paired them like this all these years have been somewhat therapeutic for me. whatever reason i keep doing it for, the blog means something to me because it's a piece of me.  a journal with only words can only express so much.  articulating emotions to their full extent isn't always the easiest thing to do.

i hope tumblr stays around forever; i worry that my memories will fade with it's disappearance if it were to vanish one day.  to be honest i don't have the best memory
xmon

lately it's been about balancing confidence

with kindness

especially in the face of disagreement.

i'm learning how to be genuinely happy

for others

regardless

i used to hate everyone..

in some ways i still do,

but in a different way now

than before

"if you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?"

-carrie, sex & the city

clearly satc is fictional (and at times super cheesy), but there are (and will always be) lines of gold in there that my friends and i often reference in our own real life situations today.

lately i've been obsessed with this korean show called "running man."  it's a reality show where the cast  members + special celebrity guests every episode go through "missions" and play games to win a race.  what i like most about it are the group's dynamics.  the cast members are all distinctly different from each other but you can see their genuine chemistry.  not only that but they are absolutely hysterical and my abs honestly get sore from laughing so much.  comic relief at its best.

within the cast of "running man" is kim jong kook, nicknamed "mr capable" on the show.  to sum him up in a nutshell, he was part of Turbo, a successful singing duo back in the 90's.  since then he went solo but lately has gained more fans being on reality shows, including "running man."  he's always been super athletic and in great shape (almost 40 now but has a ripped body).  on the show, he's unanimously feared by other cast members as the biggest threat, leads the group when needed to step up to the plate, but also yells relentlessly at everyone with a hot headed temper.  that being said, he does have his moments (in front of pretty girl celebrity guests in particular) where he shows a softer, more gentleman-like side and it seems natural/genuine.  to me he's likable: i respect him as a singer, admire his discipline in his healthy lifestyle, but seems impatient, a bit kiddish, and someone who would do anything (for better or worse) for his own gain. being in a relationship with a man like that seems tiring to me..

i recently saw an interview that he did last year and in it he said something interesting that stuck with me.  he said even (if) in a serious relationship with someone, he will not tell her that he loves her, until the day he proposes.

i can't say that this surprises me about kim jong kook, but i definitely disagree.

i wholeheartedly loved my ex boyfriends, and said it often.  

but i don't love them today.  we are all different versions of ourselves than we were back then.

and life goes on-

for kim jong kook to say that he won't tell a girl that he loves her until he decides to propose is a view that i understand, but feel like it's the ultimate defensive move.  one could never fully be prepared to fall genuinely in love.  

to love freely and risk heartache, or to protect yourself until you're 100% certain.. 

i will love

freely.

welcome week

ended up in saint marks sunday night, and got a dose of how much the neighborhoods' changed as i walked through east village and into union square before taking the subway home. 

walked past our old place on 12th and 3rd ave and it (ji, your room in particular) has turned into a tarot card reading place.. 

in addition to:
1) a HUGE westside market now adjacent to the loews on 11th
2) the store that literally had a little bit of everything (am i delusional or is this store called "A Little Bit of Everything") with the green scaffolding always covering it, has now transformed into a luxe bed and bath wannabe with floor to ceiling glass windows.  
3) new thai food resto near kiehls
4) the high-rises on 13th that seemed like they'd be under construction forever are now complete.  they stand out… in a bad way (feel the same way about LES lately) 

makes me think about an article i read about jerome audureau, one of the last small business owners in soho forced to close his bakery on saturday because the costs were too high.  his bakery was the neighborhood go-to for 23 years for so many… what's it gonna turn into next? 

i know that the city is constantly changing, but it just makes me wonder how much more of it i'll be here for.  how much longer will i stay here.. it's a reminder to me that change can be good, but it also means something to acknowledge what it used to be before it changes into something else.

i also passed by carlye, third north, and palladium (three NYU dorms) on the way to the subway, and in front of each dorm was a group of doe-eyed, clueless freshman, getting to know each other.. trying to fit in.. newbies(: 

i hate it when people say that they wished they could go back to college and do it all over again… or when people (seriously) wish that they could relive their teens, their 20's, whatever.  the years i have on the those younger are years i'm thankful to have lived.  i think the other side of "ignorance is bliss" at that age is the perspective that comes from experiences gained.  the caveat is that caution and fear sometimes follow and linger because of them.  getting through that is what "live & learn" is about. i think having faith, whether blindly without reason, or cautiously for good reasons is something worth fighting for in the present, today, whether you're 17 or 27. the best is always yet to come, and that's why i don't wish the same when someone says they wish they could go back and do it all over again. 

dear nyu freshman (and anyone else who's come here for welcome week):
good luck! you'll be great.
welcome to the greatest city. ever.
i hope you end up loving it. 

to be honest, my freshman year wasn't all that great.  i even considered moving back to maryland because i thought i wasn't cut out for it..  but i stayed and stuck it out. and i'm really glad i did.  along with the city, i've also changed a lot since that first welcome week, and i'd like to think it's all been for the better.

xmon

goodbye august

guess i'm not so good at keeping up with my blog(ger).
expressing myself with words is just so much harder.  it's easier just to like, share, reblog things that already exist.  i lack innovation, but i can curate.

this summer…

i…
renewed my lease
got a raise
went to korea
for annie's wedding
vacationed in jeju
celebrated my grandma's 80th birthday
got laid off
went to a lot of museums
spent a couple weeks in maryland
celebrated my 28th
played "here comes the bride" at mimi unnie's wedding
and started looking for my next job

august is still my favorite month (because it's always been a month of new beginnings for me: my birthday, the start of a new school year, the transition from summer into fall), but fall has always been my favorite season.  what is not to love
xmon

hello,

life has been a bit crazy lately, 

but it's not as crazy tonight.

"I observe life more than I live it."

i came across this the other day and i've been thinking about it a lot since.

i feel like more than ever we're surrounded by the options to live vicariously through others.  sometimes its kinda hard to remind myself that i need to chill out, and just live -- without a phone, without the internet, without reality tv shows..

and just LIVE.

where's the line between embracing what life always had to offer, and enhancing what you can out of it?

i came across this quote that i really liked it too:

"no one's life seems great between midnight and seven am.  

go to sleep, things will be better tomorrow."

it's been crazy lately,

and i'm really tired.

so i shall finish my unfinished thoughts later.

this is a good start.

happy new year.