rest in peace jihae.
everyone misses you.

untitled

so many times i get frustrated with myself because the the words of others always seem to describe much better how i feel.

about life

about love

about things that i care about.

it's so frustrating.  

the irony here is that my attempts to keep writing every now and then is to force my own thoughts out of me.

and yet here i am, writing an entry about a random anonymous quote i came across.  it just keeps sticking with me, and i just

want to remember it,

for another day

when i'll need it again.

---

"everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something."

---

an all-time favorite

i will always love this song.  something different comes out of listening to it every time.
and i love that too.

back to human

 

today was really such a nice day.  i went for a run down riverside and couldn't help but take a picture of the sky, and of a garden in the middle of nowhere, really.  in my own life, the presence of negative space feels so much better than how good it looks in pictures.  

i ran downtown, and then crossed over a few avenues just because i wanted to explore the neighborhood a little bit on my way back up.

out of all the places that i discovered (found a couple boutiques, and some new restaurants that i want to try), stumbling upon a barnes & noble was by far the highlight.

there's something about barnes that makes me feel really nostalgic.  i know that in a city like new york to say that i like barnes out of all the cool bookstores here is like a tourist that comes to the city and goes to an olive garden for dinner..

i can't quite pinpoint what it is, exactly, but when i crossed the street and saw a barnes in front of me i just had this really huge grin on my face.

so i just knew
that it made me really happy
and i was glad that i had found it today(:

everyone annoys me

has been the common theme of the last couple of weeks
i dunno what it is, really---maybe it's that i'm frustrated
and discouraged
or that it's cold out
or maybe i'm just lonely

maybe it's the fact that this time two years ago, i fell in love
in sweater weather
but i don't remember what life was like this time, last year

or maybe everyone really is annoying.

whatever it is, it made me grumpy
and a hater of all (some were justified).

but then a loss of a life happened.
a deaf homeless man,
and a good looking stranger who asked for directions
happened

and just like that, i decided not to be so grumpy anymore
who am i to feel that way towards others?
what gives me that right.

so i'm changing the way i feel
because feelings fade,
and life goes on.

can't focus on the positive

when you like the negatives.

i like negative spaces, and i like this picture.

there's something about oceans in particular that i love.  mostly it blows my mind that 70% of the earth is covered by water.  i honestly think it's the fear of the unknown + the general feeling of being small in such a large space that draws me in.

plus the shark looks pretty badass, no?
i just like this picture.

thanks, george.

blurred lines

the first time i ever came across this picture i had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship.  he was my first love, and we dated for the majority of my college years.  i was immediately drawn to this picture, probably because it depicted something that i didn't have when i was with him -- self sufficiency.




it took me a good two years to reevaluate, rebuild, and to grow from that relationship.  at the end of it i was in a really good place about who i was, what i wanted and happy although i had no idea what'd be in store for me.  faith in good let me do that.

and then came a different kind of love
my next boyfriend made me feel safe, and let me know that he knew i could take care of myself,
but he just wanted to support me
he wanted to love me.

and i let him. and i loved him too.

but things got inbetween us
geography
timing
misunderstandings
pride

where is the line between love, grace,
and feeling like you're compromising too much of yourself, what you want, and what you believe in?

i feel like that's a line that gets blurred a lot.
my inability to tell the difference is my greatest fear.

it's easier to remind yourself to be strong, to have spikes coming out of our sweaters
but the truth is that we're all pretty delicate things.
accepting that is something that i've been learning lately.
people just want to be loved.

something crazy happened today

and i don't want to get too excited,
but sometimes it's important to take pauses

and just enjoy it for what it is.

my mom raised me better than that

a long time ago i went to your house and had a conversation with your mom for the first time.  my korean's not perfect but for someone who wasn't born there it's better than not knowing any.

the tense i used to describe something was grammatically incorrect, but your mom felt the need to correct me mid sentence.
i will never forget the way she said those words, the expression on her face, and how she waited for me to realize the mistake i made.

i went back home that night with a lot on my mind.
your mom made me feel like a piece of shit.

it was hard for me to figure out if i had done something wrong, if what i had said was so offensive,
questioning if i should've said that i was sorry for not knowing better.

but it was your mom that was wrong.
and my mom was pissed.

ever since that day i've always been hesitant to speak in korean to those whom it's their first language.
in fear that i would offend them,
that i would say something wrong
like your mom made me feel that night.

and i was reminded of that night last weekend
out with friends whose first language was korean
i ended up admitting why i was so shy
i'd created language barriers with them that i never had to to begin with.

every experience is about what you take away from it.
and with the encouragement of others, in that moment i decided that i'm not gonna let that get to me anymore.
i'd rather make the mistakes, and have friends help me, embrace me, better me.
i'm just embarrassed that i let that get to me for so long.

i feel sorry for the girl that has to deal with a mother in law like that.
i hope that i never have to.

hello beautiful

i can't wait to meet you.

old hobbies, new directions

went to guitar center today because i've been thinking about getting a keyboard.

lately i feel the need to CREATE something. 

music has always been a part of my life.  i started playing piano when i was 4 up until i left for college.  i left maryland and came to new york and life just got so busy.  finding a room to play was hard enough, but finding a reason to keep playing seemed harder... it just sorta dropped out of my daily routine and never came back.

til this day the songs ingrained in my memory are the classics: chopin, schubert, debussy, and brahams.

although my fingers are not as sharp, the theory behind the music has stayed with me, and i can still pick up a sheet of music and play.

today i picked up a "top hits" sheet music book in a nearby booth and took it to the keys to play adele, bruno mars, john legend (ordinary people is my favorite), and mariah.

i got lost there for a minute.. in a good way

in the best way.

i want to buy a keyboard so that i can play things that i like, but mostly because i want to play something because of how i feel

to improvise

freestyle

it's something that i never "learned" how to do

because i always played by the rules

i stopped playing music but i've never stopped listening.. 

i LOVE music.

it expresses so much more than words ever could

i feel like i need that right now.

so i'm excited to see what comes out of this.

excited to revisit something that was once such a huge part of my life.

this time on different terms.

hello september

i came across this quote recently and it perfectly sums up how i feel about love:

"You don't need another human being to make your life complete, but let's be honest.  Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn't see them as disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in this world."
-Emery Allen

patience, acceptance, compromise.
things that love tests in all of us
this quote speaks to all of them

people ask me if i'm ready to date again
and i tell them that i'm not closed off to love, but i'm not actively looking for it.

i believe in love.  i believe in its magic
in its ability to bring out the best in people

but to be honest love also scares me
and i admit that i'm not one without scars.

i know well that life can get lonely without it, but loneliness is the human condition.
my mom is the one who taught me that.
i'd rather be alone than forced in a place i know i don't want to be

i learned this summer that the best that i can do is to know myself
& to know what i want.

and with those thoughts i said goodbye to summer.

august might be my favorite month,
but fall is my favorite season

there are always things to look forward to.

my rock.

found a picture of my mom (and me) while unpacking some boxes and i started thinking about her - not as a mother but as a person, an individual.  

the youngest of four and the only girl, one who lost her own mother her first year of college.

a woman who in this picture is the same age that i am today

i think about the sacrifices that she made in her life and the ways in which they bettered mine.  

i know God exists because He gave me a mother who told me that in her youth she once thought that dying young and beautiful wouldn't be all that bad.  to think of her in this light, that she once thought that was hard for me to swallow at first, but the older i get i understand her more, and it makes me appreciate the woman she is and came to be on a different level.  she is the best mother that i could've ever asked for.  and i will always be grateful.

9 years, 9 neighborhoods

in the last 6 months i've gone through a decent amount of changes in my life: started a new job, said goodbye to a two year relationship, and moved into a different neighborhood.

in the 9 years i've been in nyc, i've lived in 9 different neighborhoods:

(in chronological order):

east village

chinatown

lower east side 

financial district

murray hill

astoria

union square

upper east

and now,

upper west.

there are times i find myself in one of the "older" neighborhoods and can't help but think about the same
faded
memories

some more recent than others,
they all linger, one way or another-
the person i was then, significant others, where i was in my life,
milestones.

my memories in the 9 years spent here, both old & new take place within a span that's only 13 miles long x 2 miles wide
it's funny how big and small the city can feel at the same time

with summer slowly winding down, i'm excited for these changes to become a little more stable

life is always about transitions
and timing.

hello august

the funny thing about a blog is that you re-read your own thoughts as they came to you then

my last blog's header was "young & free in nyc" and that's really a motto i lived up to
but for some reason it doesn't seem appropriate this time around
i think about where i was in my life when i started that blog, where i was in my life as i blogged in it often
the things that happened as i drifted away from it, and the things that have happened since i last wrote in it.

i'm glad those posts are still there, somewhere
but i don't want to keep going with that blog anymore
that chapter's closed.

all i ever do these days is read and re-read over and over things that i've stored, saved, starred.
things that
remain

& it feels heavy every once in a while
blogging then was therapeutic,
maybe it'll be the same this time around

so here's to a new blog
a place to pour my thoughts
as i enter this new chapter.

dear august, please be good to me.
you were always my favorite.